She-ALPHA-Male

Ok Chosen, I'm going to be presumptive when I say... This post is for US....

Last night while arguing with the "new one" who I believe has already bitten the dust, he called me an Alpha Male (not an Alpha Female, he actually called me an Alpha Male) and told me that I am not what he's looking for.

I shirked my shoulders, even though he couldn't see me and I continued with my sassiness, sarcasm and tatting with his titts until we were both worn and too tired to continue the angry tirade.

True to me.... I forgot the comment until today while at work when I called him, more subtle and relaxed. True to him... he was still angry and holding a grudge.

Are we officially done?... It remains to be seen but I'm sincerely hoping not.

However, there's another issue that I must address and it's my aggressiveness. In relationships I know that I am very flexible, loving and giving, but I'm also very scrutinizing and non-believing of...ummm, hmmm, yeah... just about anything and I am aggressive. I realize that this is to my detriment and these three aspects of me cannot all exist. By me being single and not seriously dating or being so used to dealing with the same ole okey-doke, I may be a little unable to allow a brother to freely lead. I ask questions and don't believe the answers. And I will run my mouth just a wee bit too much and before long, I'm deemed a difficult woman... not by all men, but I'm learning this is the case with this one man.

The truth is, I long for a relationship. To be joined with someone, to laugh and joke and have fun and to be free, believing and trusting and growing. But I know that I must set the stage. Our conversations and dealings can be pleasant or a nuisance and for the most part, it depends on me.

Proverbs 15:1

I remember a talk that you and I had, Lu, in the back office about changing and you said to me, "You can change, but you really have to want to". And then I think of the song Jill Scott sang on "Who is Jill Scott?" called "Show Me"...

"If I needed you to replenish my faith in brothers, Could you do it?

If I needed you to be, cool with my strength, Could you do it?

You're constantly talking about how much you love me, want me, need me,

you told me stop talking

No more conversation necessary..."

If you recall, my response to you was that I wanted to change, but the truth is I have become very comfortable with the flippant me. The ME who does not back away from an argument or a snide remark. The ME who doesn't want to be fooled again or hurt. The ME who does not trust or believe anything anymore.

There is something inside of me is telling me not to let go. I told him last night that he was complicated and that I'm not emotionally built for the back and forth in relationships, but then I called him back to apologize and asked him can if we can both press F5 to refresh... It could have been my ego... telling me not to let up until dude and I are official. It could be the alpha [fe]male in me telling me that I must be the leader and have my way. Or it could be the woman in me who sees and desires to get to know this dude, who I think is actually very nice and special but even if we don't work out (I'm crossing my fingers that I haven't messed things up too much!) I know that I must liberate my softer side...

"My dear friends, you should be quick to listen and slow to speak or to get angry. If you are angry, you cannot do any of the good things that God wants done. You must stop doing anything immoral or evil. Instead be humble and accept the message that is planted in you to save you. "

Congrats!

Congratulations are definitely in order!!! Applause to you, Chosen (aka Lu), for completing this semester, looking forward to summer classes.

Remember - VACATION, VACATION, VACATION!!!!

I know it's not easy for a single, working, MOM to accomplish all you have and so I commend you. Keep on keeping on.

You Can't Make Me Doubt Him

Today marks the end of my Intro to World Religions Class and the spring semester. I have a total of 84 credits now and I am just blessed. Giving Honor to God who is truly the Head of my life... and while that is a Church clique it truly summarizes my feeling now. This class has been particularly trying..But I made it.
It appears that I am currently going through a shift, that includes my Job I am moving to a new office and learning someone Else's job only I missed the more money part but whatever. My aunt who watched my babe while I attended class moved, the part of Motherhood that I find the hardest is reliable childcare. This situation rears it head more times than I care to remember and its always accompanied by fear, pain, panic, regrets, hurt, shame, bitterness. Watch this though.
My latter Shall be Greater

I Never

I have found that lately, after grad school, after earning this promotion that my life is a little routine and mundane and I came up with this list of nevers. I'm not sure I would ever really want to do all of these things but it's my personal goal to move toward achieving and living life to the fullest.



I've Never!!!

I've never been married

I've never been tattooed

I've never gotten my driving license

I've never been proposed to

So therefore I've never been married

I've never been pregnant - I repeat, I've never been pregnant

I've never been in a relationship longer than 3 years

I've never shaved my head

I've never skinny dipped

I've never seen the pyramids in Egypt (in person)

I've never rode a motorcyle

I've never been a bride's maid or the maid of honor

I've never been to a nude beach

I've never bought a meal for someone homeless

I've never flown first class

I've never spent the night in jail

Isaiah43:19

But I have

Flown on a plane

Gone to Cancun

Gone to a rap concert

Slept underneath the stars

Showered in the rain

Milked a cow

Made cheese from milk

Gotten suspended from school (high school)

Swam with dolphins

Cried over a good book

And I laughed so hard that I peed on my self

Classifications

It feels so Good to finally be able to sit and take a breath. I have been pushing full steam ahead this week. At times I wanted to break but I made it. Only one more paper left and I can truly say i am ending this week way better than I started. I learned an important lesson this week. It pays to push. I Pledge now to never give up. I don't care what it look like or feels like. I will not quit. Why? because in the end it really does get better. I have purpose written all over me and I refuse to accept any other classification. I heard a sermon by T.D. Jakes "nothing just happens" and I am persuaded that even when I try to get out of the will of God I am in the will of God. Look at Jonah. I release the classifications that have been places on my life. Yeah all of em. I no longer accept the definitions that other have imposed on me. I define me. Guess what is my first Classification.
I am a overcomer..........

LETTING GO

Today I envisioned the Lord holding this huge empty bucket. He smiles at me as He says, "Kelley, cast your cares and worries, dump all of those things that hold you back from your greatness. Don't you realize how hard it is for you to carry on about those issues, the worries over your finances, haven't I supplied all of your needs, haven't I made possible the impossible. Give it over to me, I wish you could see how minuscule these problems really look, child, I know you think your world is crashing down around you but I got you, I'm in control. "

1 Peter 5:7 (Amplified Bible)
“Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully.”

Today the Lord said to me, "I know you're tired. I know you're weary in your spirit. I know you're tired of the same arguments with the same people. I know you're tired of your job. I know you're tired of doing the same things. I know you want nice things. I know you want to be healthy. I know daughter. But first I need you let go. Because I can't work in your life is you still hold the reigns. It's okay, I know it's not easy to relinquish control but you must if you want your visions realized. I make promises to you that I will never break." He smiles again as He says, "I can work it out for you daughter, give it over to Me".

Matthew 11:28-30(Amplified Bible)
“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy-laden and overburdened, and I will cause you to rest. [I will ease and relieve and refresh our souls.]
Take My yoke upon you and learn of Me, for I am gentle (meek) and humble (lowly) in heart, and you will find rest (relief and ease and refreshment and recreation and blessed quiet) for your souls.
For My yoke is wholesome (useful, good--not harsh, hard, sharp, or pressing, but comfortable, gracious, and pleasant), and My burden is light and easy to be borne.”