CONNECTEDNESS

In mathematics, connectedness is used to refer to various properties meaning, in some sense, "all one piece".

I remember while attending yoga as an undergrad, our yoga instructor would remind us all to be quiet and steady in our poses because if one of us fidgeted, chances are it would become contagious and like a domino effect, we would all start fidgeting because we are all connected.

When I think about connectedness I can't help but sit in awe of how Good and Great God is. From the moment we open our eyes in the morning and each and everything that occurs throughout our day, it is not coincidence nor is it happenstance - every experience is designed so that God gets all of the Glory.

I think about my train ride to work. The conductor, the motor man, the other people on the train with me, the token booth clerk. I think about the security guards at work, my co-workers, the CEO, the directors, the managers and the rest of the staff. Just as a great infrastructure cannot survive without the foundation and the intertwining of very important materials, we cannot survive without one another.

TEARS

One time I heard a sermon on "Tears" and the preacher said that if you cannot cry it is probably due to some sin in your life.

The truth is that as I’ve grown into an adult, I haven’t been much of a crier. I cry when I am overwhelmingly sad but I know some who cry a lot, sometimes every week, for many reasons. I attribute my hardened emotions to bad relationships and my resolve to move forward and not hold on to the past. I'm a "pull yourself up by your bootstraps kind of a woman" and there just isn't any time for sitting down and crying when you have to keep a clear head and a vision for moving on.

However, lately I've been noticing that my right eye is tearing a little more than usual. Last night in our monthly Sister Circle, when the topic of mothers arose, I couldn't help but allow my tears to break free. I love my mother so much and there's nothing I wouldn't do for her. I have a loving relationship with her and as far as I know we're good.

Then today one of my friends tells me of a family situation that occurred with her and once again I started crying. Crying in two days is way too much for me!

I'm learning that shedding tears, crying, is sometimes the best medicine. Crying relieves tension. Crying with someone shows that you understand, you support and you can bond with them.

"Tears are a gift from God. They help us heal, and are a valuable aid to restoring inner calmness and peace. All of us have experienced times when we felt our heart would break, if we could not release the pent up emotions of sorrow, pain, anger, fear or disappointment. Emotional tears release harmful chemicals that build up in the body, due to stress."

It felt so good to allow myself a moment to roll my shoulders back and allow my release to come. I don't know how often this will happen but I know that the next time an emotion overcomes me, I simply must surrender ME and let go.

Why Crying is Good for You

Lonnette Harrell

She-ALPHA-Male

Ok Chosen, I'm going to be presumptive when I say... This post is for US....

Last night while arguing with the "new one" who I believe has already bitten the dust, he called me an Alpha Male (not an Alpha Female, he actually called me an Alpha Male) and told me that I am not what he's looking for.

I shirked my shoulders, even though he couldn't see me and I continued with my sassiness, sarcasm and tatting with his titts until we were both worn and too tired to continue the angry tirade.

True to me.... I forgot the comment until today while at work when I called him, more subtle and relaxed. True to him... he was still angry and holding a grudge.

Are we officially done?... It remains to be seen but I'm sincerely hoping not.

However, there's another issue that I must address and it's my aggressiveness. In relationships I know that I am very flexible, loving and giving, but I'm also very scrutinizing and non-believing of...ummm, hmmm, yeah... just about anything and I am aggressive. I realize that this is to my detriment and these three aspects of me cannot all exist. By me being single and not seriously dating or being so used to dealing with the same ole okey-doke, I may be a little unable to allow a brother to freely lead. I ask questions and don't believe the answers. And I will run my mouth just a wee bit too much and before long, I'm deemed a difficult woman... not by all men, but I'm learning this is the case with this one man.

The truth is, I long for a relationship. To be joined with someone, to laugh and joke and have fun and to be free, believing and trusting and growing. But I know that I must set the stage. Our conversations and dealings can be pleasant or a nuisance and for the most part, it depends on me.

Proverbs 15:1

I remember a talk that you and I had, Lu, in the back office about changing and you said to me, "You can change, but you really have to want to". And then I think of the song Jill Scott sang on "Who is Jill Scott?" called "Show Me"...

"If I needed you to replenish my faith in brothers, Could you do it?

If I needed you to be, cool with my strength, Could you do it?

You're constantly talking about how much you love me, want me, need me,

you told me stop talking

No more conversation necessary..."

If you recall, my response to you was that I wanted to change, but the truth is I have become very comfortable with the flippant me. The ME who does not back away from an argument or a snide remark. The ME who doesn't want to be fooled again or hurt. The ME who does not trust or believe anything anymore.

There is something inside of me is telling me not to let go. I told him last night that he was complicated and that I'm not emotionally built for the back and forth in relationships, but then I called him back to apologize and asked him can if we can both press F5 to refresh... It could have been my ego... telling me not to let up until dude and I are official. It could be the alpha [fe]male in me telling me that I must be the leader and have my way. Or it could be the woman in me who sees and desires to get to know this dude, who I think is actually very nice and special but even if we don't work out (I'm crossing my fingers that I haven't messed things up too much!) I know that I must liberate my softer side...

"My dear friends, you should be quick to listen and slow to speak or to get angry. If you are angry, you cannot do any of the good things that God wants done. You must stop doing anything immoral or evil. Instead be humble and accept the message that is planted in you to save you. "

You Can't Make Me Doubt Him

Today marks the end of my Intro to World Religions Class and the spring semester. I have a total of 84 credits now and I am just blessed. Giving Honor to God who is truly the Head of my life... and while that is a Church clique it truly summarizes my feeling now. This class has been particularly trying..But I made it.
It appears that I am currently going through a shift, that includes my Job I am moving to a new office and learning someone Else's job only I missed the more money part but whatever. My aunt who watched my babe while I attended class moved, the part of Motherhood that I find the hardest is reliable childcare. This situation rears it head more times than I care to remember and its always accompanied by fear, pain, panic, regrets, hurt, shame, bitterness. Watch this though.
My latter Shall be Greater

Classifications

It feels so Good to finally be able to sit and take a breath. I have been pushing full steam ahead this week. At times I wanted to break but I made it. Only one more paper left and I can truly say i am ending this week way better than I started. I learned an important lesson this week. It pays to push. I Pledge now to never give up. I don't care what it look like or feels like. I will not quit. Why? because in the end it really does get better. I have purpose written all over me and I refuse to accept any other classification. I heard a sermon by T.D. Jakes "nothing just happens" and I am persuaded that even when I try to get out of the will of God I am in the will of God. Look at Jonah. I release the classifications that have been places on my life. Yeah all of em. I no longer accept the definitions that other have imposed on me. I define me. Guess what is my first Classification.
I am a overcomer..........

Cleaning House... Where My Ring At?

The "M" word bothers me. It bothers me something terrible. If I see it in a book, the Sunday newspaper or when I see a friend that I haven't seen in a while and I ask how they are and they in turn say to me "I'm married now"... like Shug Avery in The Color Purple.

Somehow, some way, for some reason it troubles me. It stirs up my emotions much like seeing a bunch of pregnant women in the spring and summer time.

This kind of started last year when a friend of mine, a co-worker who I used to date, told me that he was getting married. At the moment that he said it to me, I truly think that my breath left my body as if I was punch in the belly. I felt like Jill Scott expressed in her song "My Love".






I was in denial saying things to myself such as "he can't be getting married", "we have unfinished business". But then I realized that a whole 5 years had passed since our last date and 3 years since we held a decent conversation. After many months of thinking it through I realized my real feelings were "When in the world am I getting married?".

I thought I made peace with it years ago when I decided to wear rings on my ring finger to signify my devotion to me and my own true happiness. That is fine and well but the reality is when I go home, I go home to me and me alone. I would love to go out with a spouse and share in that type of experience. I'm 32 and while never having a child, I have never even been proposed to and sometimes it saddens me.

Today though I decided that I've held on to this emotional hurt too long and decided to do something about it. I must make peace with it.

I must make peace with:

• Never being proposed to
• Feeling that I'm not worthy of being someone's wife
• Looking for marital status to validate me

I affirm myself with:

• I know that I deserve Love and accept it now
• I give out Love and it is returned to me multiplied
• My life is a joy filled with Love, Fun, Friendship and all I need do is stop all criticism, forgive, relax and be open
• I choose Love, Joy and Freedom
• I open my Heart and allow wonderful things to flow into my Life

I'm Hurt

Girl, I know that you predicted this but can you believe that its off again. Like really oh boy must think that i am a yo-yo or something. I can't understand what would have ever led to the false belief that I was anyone other than me. Which leds me to believe that maybe oh boy never really knew me at all. So would you believe that yesterday I cried. Which is kinda what oh boy wanted because he didn't believe that the ice box had feelings. Unbeknowst to him my tears wet the dirt that covered the coffin that held the relationship which suffered a fatal heart attack because the demands where just not realistic and I had done all the changing I was gonna do.
It hurts to change and realize its not enough, to be yourself and realize they are looking for you to be someone else, to find your best friend only to realize that your best friend is more interested in being your lover. So it is with a heavy heart that I announce that passing of loss love. In lieu of flowers I am requesting that donations be made to the love,faith,hope fund in the name of True Love.

I'm on the 29th level

As I approached this 29th level I have been doing a lot of self reflection and I am currently in the process of an attitude adjustment.