Somehow, some way, for some reason it troubles me. It stirs up my emotions much like seeing a bunch of pregnant women in the spring and summer time.
This kind of started last year when a friend of mine, a co-worker who I used to date, told me that he was getting married. At the moment that he said it to me, I truly think that my breath left my body as if I was punch in the belly. I felt like Jill Scott expressed in her song "My Love".
I was in denial saying things to myself such as "he can't be getting married", "we have unfinished business". But then I realized that a whole 5 years had passed since our last date and 3 years since we held a decent conversation. After many months of thinking it through I realized my real feelings were "When in the world am I getting married?".
I thought I made peace with it years ago when I decided to wear rings on my ring finger to signify my devotion to me and my own true happiness. That is fine and well but the reality is when I go home, I go home to me and me alone. I would love to go out with a spouse and share in that type of experience. I'm 32 and while never having a child, I have never even been proposed to and sometimes it saddens me.
Today though I decided that I've held on to this emotional hurt too long and decided to do something about it. I must make peace with it.
I must make peace with:
- Never being proposed to
- Feeling that I'm not worthy of being someone's wife
- Looking for marital status to validate me
I affirm myself with:
- I know that I deserve Love and accept it now
- I give out Love and it is returned to me multiplied
- My life is a joy filled with Love, Fun, Friendship and all I need do is stop all criticism, forgive, relax and be open
- I choose Love, Joy and Freedom
- I open my Heart and allow wonderful things to flow into my Life
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