CONNECTEDNESS

In mathematics, connectedness is used to refer to various properties meaning, in some sense, "all one piece".

I remember while attending yoga as an undergrad, our yoga instructor would remind us all to be quiet and steady in our poses because if one of us fidgeted, chances are it would become contagious and like a domino effect, we would all start fidgeting because we are all connected.

When I think about connectedness I can't help but sit in awe of how Good and Great God is. From the moment we open our eyes in the morning and each and everything that occurs throughout our day, it is not coincidence nor is it happenstance - every experience is designed so that God gets all of the Glory.

I think about my train ride to work. The conductor, the motor man, the other people on the train with me, the token booth clerk. I think about the security guards at work, my co-workers, the CEO, the directors, the managers and the rest of the staff. Just as a great infrastructure cannot survive without the foundation and the intertwining of very important materials, we cannot survive without one another.

TEARS

One time I heard a sermon on "Tears" and the preacher said that if you cannot cry it is probably due to some sin in your life.

The truth is that as I’ve grown into an adult, I haven’t been much of a crier. I cry when I am overwhelmingly sad but I know some who cry a lot, sometimes every week, for many reasons. I attribute my hardened emotions to bad relationships and my resolve to move forward and not hold on to the past. I'm a "pull yourself up by your bootstraps kind of a woman" and there just isn't any time for sitting down and crying when you have to keep a clear head and a vision for moving on.

However, lately I've been noticing that my right eye is tearing a little more than usual. Last night in our monthly Sister Circle, when the topic of mothers arose, I couldn't help but allow my tears to break free. I love my mother so much and there's nothing I wouldn't do for her. I have a loving relationship with her and as far as I know we're good.

Then today one of my friends tells me of a family situation that occurred with her and once again I started crying. Crying in two days is way too much for me!

I'm learning that shedding tears, crying, is sometimes the best medicine. Crying relieves tension. Crying with someone shows that you understand, you support and you can bond with them.

"Tears are a gift from God. They help us heal, and are a valuable aid to restoring inner calmness and peace. All of us have experienced times when we felt our heart would break, if we could not release the pent up emotions of sorrow, pain, anger, fear or disappointment. Emotional tears release harmful chemicals that build up in the body, due to stress."

It felt so good to allow myself a moment to roll my shoulders back and allow my release to come. I don't know how often this will happen but I know that the next time an emotion overcomes me, I simply must surrender ME and let go.

Why Crying is Good for You

Lonnette Harrell

She-ALPHA-Male

Ok Chosen, I'm going to be presumptive when I say... This post is for US....

Last night while arguing with the "new one" who I believe has already bitten the dust, he called me an Alpha Male (not an Alpha Female, he actually called me an Alpha Male) and told me that I am not what he's looking for.

I shirked my shoulders, even though he couldn't see me and I continued with my sassiness, sarcasm and tatting with his titts until we were both worn and too tired to continue the angry tirade.

True to me.... I forgot the comment until today while at work when I called him, more subtle and relaxed. True to him... he was still angry and holding a grudge.

Are we officially done?... It remains to be seen but I'm sincerely hoping not.

However, there's another issue that I must address and it's my aggressiveness. In relationships I know that I am very flexible, loving and giving, but I'm also very scrutinizing and non-believing of...ummm, hmmm, yeah... just about anything and I am aggressive. I realize that this is to my detriment and these three aspects of me cannot all exist. By me being single and not seriously dating or being so used to dealing with the same ole okey-doke, I may be a little unable to allow a brother to freely lead. I ask questions and don't believe the answers. And I will run my mouth just a wee bit too much and before long, I'm deemed a difficult woman... not by all men, but I'm learning this is the case with this one man.

The truth is, I long for a relationship. To be joined with someone, to laugh and joke and have fun and to be free, believing and trusting and growing. But I know that I must set the stage. Our conversations and dealings can be pleasant or a nuisance and for the most part, it depends on me.

Proverbs 15:1

I remember a talk that you and I had, Lu, in the back office about changing and you said to me, "You can change, but you really have to want to". And then I think of the song Jill Scott sang on "Who is Jill Scott?" called "Show Me"...

"If I needed you to replenish my faith in brothers, Could you do it?

If I needed you to be, cool with my strength, Could you do it?

You're constantly talking about how much you love me, want me, need me,

you told me stop talking

No more conversation necessary..."

If you recall, my response to you was that I wanted to change, but the truth is I have become very comfortable with the flippant me. The ME who does not back away from an argument or a snide remark. The ME who doesn't want to be fooled again or hurt. The ME who does not trust or believe anything anymore.

There is something inside of me is telling me not to let go. I told him last night that he was complicated and that I'm not emotionally built for the back and forth in relationships, but then I called him back to apologize and asked him can if we can both press F5 to refresh... It could have been my ego... telling me not to let up until dude and I are official. It could be the alpha [fe]male in me telling me that I must be the leader and have my way. Or it could be the woman in me who sees and desires to get to know this dude, who I think is actually very nice and special but even if we don't work out (I'm crossing my fingers that I haven't messed things up too much!) I know that I must liberate my softer side...

"My dear friends, you should be quick to listen and slow to speak or to get angry. If you are angry, you cannot do any of the good things that God wants done. You must stop doing anything immoral or evil. Instead be humble and accept the message that is planted in you to save you. "

Congrats!

Congratulations are definitely in order!!! Applause to you, Chosen (aka Lu), for completing this semester, looking forward to summer classes.

Remember - VACATION, VACATION, VACATION!!!!

I know it's not easy for a single, working, MOM to accomplish all you have and so I commend you. Keep on keeping on.

You Can't Make Me Doubt Him

Today marks the end of my Intro to World Religions Class and the spring semester. I have a total of 84 credits now and I am just blessed. Giving Honor to God who is truly the Head of my life... and while that is a Church clique it truly summarizes my feeling now. This class has been particularly trying..But I made it.
It appears that I am currently going through a shift, that includes my Job I am moving to a new office and learning someone Else's job only I missed the more money part but whatever. My aunt who watched my babe while I attended class moved, the part of Motherhood that I find the hardest is reliable childcare. This situation rears it head more times than I care to remember and its always accompanied by fear, pain, panic, regrets, hurt, shame, bitterness. Watch this though.
My latter Shall be Greater

I Never

I have found that lately, after grad school, after earning this promotion that my life is a little routine and mundane and I came up with this list of nevers. I'm not sure I would ever really want to do all of these things but it's my personal goal to move toward achieving and living life to the fullest.



I've Never!!!

I've never been married

I've never been tattooed

I've never gotten my driving license

I've never been proposed to

So therefore I've never been married

I've never been pregnant - I repeat, I've never been pregnant

I've never been in a relationship longer than 3 years

I've never shaved my head

I've never skinny dipped

I've never seen the pyramids in Egypt (in person)

I've never rode a motorcyle

I've never been a bride's maid or the maid of honor

I've never been to a nude beach

I've never bought a meal for someone homeless

I've never flown first class

I've never spent the night in jail

Isaiah43:19

But I have

Flown on a plane

Gone to Cancun

Gone to a rap concert

Slept underneath the stars

Showered in the rain

Milked a cow

Made cheese from milk

Gotten suspended from school (high school)

Swam with dolphins

Cried over a good book

And I laughed so hard that I peed on my self

Classifications

It feels so Good to finally be able to sit and take a breath. I have been pushing full steam ahead this week. At times I wanted to break but I made it. Only one more paper left and I can truly say i am ending this week way better than I started. I learned an important lesson this week. It pays to push. I Pledge now to never give up. I don't care what it look like or feels like. I will not quit. Why? because in the end it really does get better. I have purpose written all over me and I refuse to accept any other classification. I heard a sermon by T.D. Jakes "nothing just happens" and I am persuaded that even when I try to get out of the will of God I am in the will of God. Look at Jonah. I release the classifications that have been places on my life. Yeah all of em. I no longer accept the definitions that other have imposed on me. I define me. Guess what is my first Classification.
I am a overcomer..........

LETTING GO

Today I envisioned the Lord holding this huge empty bucket. He smiles at me as He says, "Kelley, cast your cares and worries, dump all of those things that hold you back from your greatness. Don't you realize how hard it is for you to carry on about those issues, the worries over your finances, haven't I supplied all of your needs, haven't I made possible the impossible. Give it over to me, I wish you could see how minuscule these problems really look, child, I know you think your world is crashing down around you but I got you, I'm in control. "

1 Peter 5:7 (Amplified Bible)
“Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully.”

Today the Lord said to me, "I know you're tired. I know you're weary in your spirit. I know you're tired of the same arguments with the same people. I know you're tired of your job. I know you're tired of doing the same things. I know you want nice things. I know you want to be healthy. I know daughter. But first I need you let go. Because I can't work in your life is you still hold the reigns. It's okay, I know it's not easy to relinquish control but you must if you want your visions realized. I make promises to you that I will never break." He smiles again as He says, "I can work it out for you daughter, give it over to Me".

Matthew 11:28-30(Amplified Bible)
“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy-laden and overburdened, and I will cause you to rest. [I will ease and relieve and refresh our souls.]
Take My yoke upon you and learn of Me, for I am gentle (meek) and humble (lowly) in heart, and you will find rest (relief and ease and refreshment and recreation and blessed quiet) for your souls.
For My yoke is wholesome (useful, good--not harsh, hard, sharp, or pressing, but comfortable, gracious, and pleasant), and My burden is light and easy to be borne.”

In a spirit of Praise~*~*~*

I love my God my father who is gracious and merciful, who knows who I am, who accepts who I am, and loves who I am. Me just for me. Who is like unto this Lord who gives me peace in the midst of all storms? Who takes away my hurt so that I know it not and can recall it no more. He who fixes that which the world has broken, and in His hands molds it like new. He is creator, my beginning and my end, Our Alpha and Omega. To Him who forgives all I can surrender all. They say He is an awesome wonder …My Lord God Almighty He who was and is and is to come. Oh if only I could tell the world and they would know of His mercies and His love. He is the Father, He is the Son, He is the Spirit for they are one. I am in a spirit of praise because His perfect peace has entered my soul and as it stands it’s the best feeling I know...~*~*~*

Hola

I am like so revived. This week has been so hectic. It all begin on Sunday with the bulletins. I am a bit ashamed to admit it because I love it but the pressure of the Saints and their love of the bulletins and the wrath of if its my fault that they are not ready is enough to give me Hives. Then I had a paper due which I never got around to because i went to a play on Tuesday. So Wednesday I cut class and boy do I feel better much better. Like I believe I can fly. So this week I am working on 2papers and 1 final but i think i can i think i can!!!. I'm am to blessed to be stressed. I just have to remember... God never intended for me to be average He purposed for me to be extraordinary. So while my human experiences are somewhat trying, I try....

Happy Birthday!!!!

April is the birth month to 2 of our authors, Chosen & Sincere. So I wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday! Plentiful blessings, overwhelming joy and many more years ahead.

Cleaning House... Where My Ring At?

The "M" word bothers me. It bothers me something terrible. If I see it in a book, the Sunday newspaper or when I see a friend that I haven't seen in a while and I ask how they are and they in turn say to me "I'm married now"... like Shug Avery in The Color Purple.

Somehow, some way, for some reason it troubles me. It stirs up my emotions much like seeing a bunch of pregnant women in the spring and summer time.

This kind of started last year when a friend of mine, a co-worker who I used to date, told me that he was getting married. At the moment that he said it to me, I truly think that my breath left my body as if I was punch in the belly. I felt like Jill Scott expressed in her song "My Love".






I was in denial saying things to myself such as "he can't be getting married", "we have unfinished business". But then I realized that a whole 5 years had passed since our last date and 3 years since we held a decent conversation. After many months of thinking it through I realized my real feelings were "When in the world am I getting married?".

I thought I made peace with it years ago when I decided to wear rings on my ring finger to signify my devotion to me and my own true happiness. That is fine and well but the reality is when I go home, I go home to me and me alone. I would love to go out with a spouse and share in that type of experience. I'm 32 and while never having a child, I have never even been proposed to and sometimes it saddens me.

Today though I decided that I've held on to this emotional hurt too long and decided to do something about it. I must make peace with it.

I must make peace with:

• Never being proposed to
• Feeling that I'm not worthy of being someone's wife
• Looking for marital status to validate me

I affirm myself with:

• I know that I deserve Love and accept it now
• I give out Love and it is returned to me multiplied
• My life is a joy filled with Love, Fun, Friendship and all I need do is stop all criticism, forgive, relax and be open
• I choose Love, Joy and Freedom
• I open my Heart and allow wonderful things to flow into my Life

I'm Hurt

Girl, I know that you predicted this but can you believe that its off again. Like really oh boy must think that i am a yo-yo or something. I can't understand what would have ever led to the false belief that I was anyone other than me. Which leds me to believe that maybe oh boy never really knew me at all. So would you believe that yesterday I cried. Which is kinda what oh boy wanted because he didn't believe that the ice box had feelings. Unbeknowst to him my tears wet the dirt that covered the coffin that held the relationship which suffered a fatal heart attack because the demands where just not realistic and I had done all the changing I was gonna do.
It hurts to change and realize its not enough, to be yourself and realize they are looking for you to be someone else, to find your best friend only to realize that your best friend is more interested in being your lover. So it is with a heavy heart that I announce that passing of loss love. In lieu of flowers I am requesting that donations be made to the love,faith,hope fund in the name of True Love.

I'm on the 29th level

As I approached this 29th level I have been doing a lot of self reflection and I am currently in the process of an attitude adjustment.

Never Would Have Made It!

Believe it or not, I sometimes have this ridiculous notion that I can exist on this planet alone, pull myself up by my own bootstraps, I can lean and depend on me. There are a few friends that I can call on, they offer some support, a portion of advice. I read a lot and I'll read a book that's inspiring but then there are times when I'm left with this void.

Sometimes I find struggle. I realize that my finances are tight. I see that my friends have their own lives and can't be available to me all the time. I'm arguing, fighting, and simply miserable, unhappy.

Then "something" happens, it always happens because first and foremost I know that I'm a spiritual being but I'll hear a song, read a scripture or talk to someone and realize I am not alone and I can't make it in this life by my own human strength. Then the resistance that I've been building up that protects me like a good solid gate should begins to crumble.

That's what has been happening to me until last Friday. I was having a bad day. Having a fat day. I was beating myself up really good too since I just got paid and knew that by the end of the weekend I would have less than $100 left in my account. Then I walked into my apartment and turned on the radio and heard this song. I took off my coat, my shoes and the tears fell right along.

YEP! It's 4 Real???

Yes K.Lu, this is for real!!! We spoke about this idea a few weeks ago when you told me you finished the book (In The Meantime by Iyanla Vanzant) and I realized that I finished it a few years ago which was during the beginning stages of my... friendship, relationship, involvement with my Special Friend (SF).

When I could actually read through the book, instead of putting it down after just a couple of chapters, letting it collect dust for a few years and then picking it up again after my heart has suffered another ache, I was transformed. My thinking changed, the way I conducted myself in my relationship, the things I let bother me, etc, etc. However sometimes I tread down the stairs from the higher level and find myself sitting, brooding and upset in the basement.

On our journey as is described in the book, we will:

• Clean our houses... disinfect our minds and sanitize our hearts
• Examine love...What it looks like; What it feels like
• Examine love... gone wrong, love gone stray, love in disguise
• Consider situations and people who have the greatest impact on the development of our belief about love
• Examine and explore the things we sometimes do to find love, keep love, experience love

TRANSFORM OUR HUMANNESS INTO DIVINITY

Romans 12.2:
"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds, so that you may discern what is the will of God—what is good and acceptable and perfect."

Is this 4 real???

Kelley, Girl if only you knew what spot/moment in time this blog came. On this day before I step into my next phase, I have found myself having a meantime experience like no other. Well thats not totally correct because I have been around this mountain before , And just when I begin to reason that i had perhaps been misguided or lost my way I checked my e-mail for the 100th time today and got my invite. The one that would not only help to liberate me but allow me to walk this road with others. I am so speechless right now because I see that i am right where I need to be. I am living my life and loving it in the MEANTIME. So heres to my development....... I am excited and open to what the future holds for me.

Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that ye should go and bring forth fruit, and that your fruit should remain: that whatsoever ye shall ask of the Father in my name, he may give it you. John 15:16